This week’s video log is about Self-Love.
The greatest source of self-imposed suffering I’ve ever experienced was the belief that I was unlovable.
This festering story cause people to contort, hide, shrink and agonize.
It doesn’t have to be this way.
Below is a blog post from Paulo Coehlo expressing beautifully the senselessness of the self-condemnation bubble.
I would love to hear from you on this deeply personal topic. Do you know you’re lovable?
“When we plant a rose seed in the earth, we notice it is small, but we do not criticize it as “rootless and stemless.”
‘We treat it as a seed, giving it the water and nourishment required of a seed.
“When it first shoots up out of the earth, we don’t condemn it as immature and underdeveloped, nor do we criticize the buds for not being open when they appear. ‘We stand in wonder at the process taking place, and give the plant the care it needs at each stage of its development.
“The rose is a rose from the time it is a seed to the time it dies. Within it, at all times, it contains its whole potential.
‘It seems to be constantly in the process of change: Yet at each state, at each moment, it is perfectly all right as it is.
“A flower is not better when it blooms than when it is merely a bud; at each stage it is the same thing — a flower in the process of expressing its potential.”
I know I was born lovable , I think with a lot of the situations that occured in my life I lost that feeling. I found myself trying to seek it out… you can say its like an addict who is looking for that first high they keep chasing for that first high but they cant find it… I felt that I was searching for that feeling and it was not healthy. I just lost what the meaning was to be lovable to feel lovable and to know that I am no matter what and I was born that way. So I started to loose the identity of what lovable was I jsut went about with my life and I think I was numb…I said to myself it was not important. When I had big interuptions in my life , heartbreaking situations I would then come out of numbville and say “I am not lovable” I am now 38 yearsold and I feel lovable even after everything I have been through in my life so far …I am very lovable.. I am awesome I am a great soul…I am trying big time to be in this world and live it with all open and honesty and being lovable ….I am lovable to my children my parents love me. I konw I am lovable I got a new phone today and I was testing the camera and I looked at the photo and could see things on my face that I was not ready to look at or confront and then all of a sudden I just kept snapping away… I was like you know what ? I am 38 yearold been around the block…and have four kids I am doing just fine , I look great, I am ok…I am lovable….I am me….and for me that is 100 percent ubber super and lovable..
I love what you wrote Lisa. It can become addictive to search for the “high” we can get from affirmation. And I agree that as kids we may have that sense early on that we are lovable naturally but we start to doubt it as life goes on. A few years ago when my nephew was about 4 I was babysitting. I was going through this nighttime ritual my dad used to do with me where I said “who loves you? I love you, grandma loves you, your mom loves you…” And he said mommy and daddy don’t love me anymore. I said why would you say that?! He said I was a bad boy in the store today and I got in trouble and they don’t love me anymore. My sister isn’t an unkind disciplinarian so I knew right away this is something that a child interprets and I was shocked to see how young we begin this story-line. Moment by moment we begin to doubt that we are lovable. And then we go out and seek experiences to reaffirm that we are indeed. But of course that makes us dependent on others and never really sure unless they let us know.
You are an awesome fabulous fierce soul. I’m so glad you are recognizing and embracing that and loving the whole shebang! We are complex mixed up sometimes but brilliant people. So we have to aim to love it all- not just despite our deficits but with them. Because they’re all natural, human and part of the masterpiece. Thanks for sharing Lisa. Great food for thought.
So were all entirely lovable? Not just if we fix this, change that…
How do you start over and love yourself, and be loved and lovable…
I think it’s a process Esther. In part a process of forgiving ourselves, finding compassion for ourselves and embracing our own humanity. In Buddhism there is a meditation called maitri where you meditate on generating compassion and love towards others and then ultimately towards yourself. (Or vice-versa. But most people find it easier to start with a friend, then an acquaintance, then a stranger, then someone they have negative feelings towards, then themselves believe it or not.) For a long time I had no compassion for myself. I hated the parts of me that were dissatisfied or hurt from my childhood. I hated the parts that were depressed or despairing. All I wanted was to cut those pieces of me out of my very being. Through therapy, meditation, consciousness, sharing… I began to recognize that all of this makes me human and it’s all fine. Part of the problem was the resistance to myself- to my own human vulnerabilities. I had to find forgiveness for being human, being weak sometimes, being needy at times, feeling angry at people who did their best… Then I think we need to take the risk of sharing ourselves messy and all with others. Trusted others hopefully at first, but then more and more people. Until we feel seen and loved for who we are we don’t trust that we are really lovable. We keep thinking in our delusions that if they actually saw us they wouldn’t love us. For you, I would again recommend finding loving kindness for yourself. As long as we believe we have to “fix” ourselves to be worthy of basic human love we are at war with part of ourselves. We stay stuck in a stance that part of us is good and part of us is bad. And the good part has to eradicate the other part to be loved. Instead, we need to accept our entirety. That doesn’t mean we can’t strive to grow. But we have to come to terms with our humanness. Remember what I’ve said before, it’s not about being more perfect. It’s about having a gentler mind.
You are lovable…I intellectually, believe…yet, my heart has a raincoat, and every things slides and glides in the formation of a puddle…that I keep slipping and falling into…
I have been doing this thing lately where I am listening to love songs but its not for an old love its for the old me I am letting her go she is lovable but going back to this other person I once was is not allowing me to love who I am today..so when I listen to these love songs I am acutally letting go of that person and allowing myself to love me today to love who I am today and who I will be the next…I think we have periods of falling in love with who we are and we just let them go during stressful times and especially when we see that our life is not the way we pictured it..I am in love with me and the women I was was great awesome but I have to let go of her to allow me to love me today and I am no longer that girl I once was.
Beautiful Lisa. All of our cells of our body are different within 3 mos or so. Every experience changes us and every day we shift. So it makes sense that from time to time we need to let go of an identity- even if we loved it- to make room for who we are now. I know I had to do this just this year. I loved socializing, going out, indulging in scrumptious food and beverage. And I was very affiliated with this spontaneous, fun-oriented part of myself. Spontaneously this year I shifted more and more towards being health focused, work focused and outdoors loving changing my rhythms. It was hard to let go of the me I knew and the things I had loved. (Not that I entirely changed- just the whole picture of who I was and what I was doing.) I was resisting so hard about letting go and fearing so much that changing meant I was now boring or old. Till I realized it’s neutral. It’s just who I am now. And this feels good too! Just different. We can go so much farther when we stop resisting what is, and just make space for where we are at.
All you most lovely, lovables…this is all truly resonating on the periphery for me…Though I completely appreciate the idea…and would benefit from the result…I am a slow to warm kind of creature…so with love, authenticity, gentleness, and scrupulous attention I will erode the notion of unlovability and dress up in the most self-loving and love-giving prom dress…I Will invite myself to join me in this dance…and hope to bring the love deeply inward, and allow for great external radiant love!
Only you can dance, and at your speed and at your rhythm mama. It honestly took me forever to really FEEL I was lovable. And of course I still have ups and downs about that and layers to peel back. I think I said once that when I was really sick I started to notice that this story still sticks around in a more subtle form. I knew I was lovable but now I had it attached to my particular identity. So I was lovable as long as I was funny, witty, sexy, helpful. When I was too sick to be any of those things my fear rose up to the surface again for me to look at. It’s all a dance. I didn’t learn I was lovable until after I got divorced and I stayed friends with my ex. Till I was in school studying counseling and involved in group therapy, personal therapy and meditation. It took me a very long time and a lot of reflection. And then poof! One day I just felt different. That’s the most amazing part.
Its all a process…we all process this in different times , places, and with different things. I for one just started a new process since the kids left the quiet as brough up feelings that I was not allowing myself to feel. I have been laughing, crying and releasing the bad energy that has caused a lot of pain and aniexty. Letting go of the old me requires love and patience with lots of understanding. Its a lot of work. I can only say its trully like loosing the love of your life and then meeting another one that is better suited for the person you are today. I am better suited for who I am today that girl before could never do what I am doing today…its really surreal feeling…we are going to miss you Ma when you are gone come back refreashed and with new ideas…
Dancing with myself…ahhh!
So interesting, to hear the story told from the other side of the looking glass, i am intrigued and inspired by the evolution of others, often, instead of my own. When I met you, Lady Vanessa, you were recently married to said, Ex, you were radiant, funny, wise, knowledgeable, indeed lovable. Myself and every member of my family, siblings and parents gravitated to your practice, and though I thoroughly enjoyed every aspect of my visit, I remember my brother saying, the best part of going to see Vanessa Scotto is talking to her, she’s lovely…maybe he meant lovable. So, alas, as you mention in this video, we must all have an innate lovableness, yet you only discovered this years later…i still have little access to my lovableness….but dancing still!
I am loved, I am lovable, I am not, I am, I am….breathe…deeply…softness, openness, and curiosity…
We ought to dance with rapture that we might be alive… and part of the living, incarnate cosmos. ~D.H. Lawrence
Another challenge to loving yourself is when you’re a woman in this country and you turn 50.
I didn’t realize how much “narcissistic supply” I was getting just in being noticed by men during my daily routine.
My sexual appeal is tied to my feeling lovable to a man. Now that my sexual appeal is dwindling fast, I’m re-thinking the whole romantic love thing.
Do I need to be sexually attractive to be loved? Is that being loved for who I am? Do I even need that-to be loved by a man? What kind of love is that if physical appearance is an important part of it?
Yes Diana!! I love the term “narcissistic supply.” We have so many unconscious strategies that we weave into our personas. Partly because they work, or they feel good, but often because we think we NEED them. I know that when I was too sick to move, laugh or shower recently my strategies of sexy seductress, comedian and smart, useful partner became crystal clear to observe.
I finally learned a while back that I was really lovable, but only in that moment did I realize how many conditions I had embedded into my lovability. Without my strategies I felt useless and unworthy.
I think you pose really good questions here. Whenever we see that a certain identity is on the wane we come up against re-examining who we really are, who we want to be, and what WE believe is really important. Like ‘Do I need to be sexually attractive to be loved?” Not only are you questioning the connection between sex appeal and love but also you have a moment to redefine what sexually attractive means to you.
Keep in touch as you go through this process. It’s such a common phenomenon for us women- at large perhaps, but certainly in this culture! And I believe extremely valuable for all of us to share our inner experiences around identity, fears, strengths, and lessons. Too often we can stay superficial and then everyone feels estranged and without validation in their process.
Thanks for sharing.